I think this is my last rant for a while. I realize that this has not been an active year for this blog and that most of my posts over the past two years have been rants, which are not generally sexy. That said, this is another rant.
I previously noted that bisexuality is not a checklist. A bisexual person does not have to maintain relationships with men and women both within a certain timeframe. Bisexuality just loosely describes which categories of people we can find sexually attractive.
Unfortunately, I do understand why some people might apply terms like \”greedy\” to bisexuals. Some behaviors I have seen can inspire some of the resentment bisexuals get. As a bisexual woman, I am particularly thinking of lesbian contempt for bisexual women, and one glaring example I saw of bisexual women acting in a way I found objectionable.
When I first started admitting bisexuality to myself and employed the Internet for research, I found a bisexual-women-specific discussion site. The concept of the site is terrific: bisexual and bicurious women can talk amongst themselves. The site does allow men, though they should not be predatory or otherwise obnoxious… and neither should the women. Though the site does let women meet virtually, it is not intended as a dating site… only as a discussion site. Connections might happen, but prowling is discouraged.
However, I noticed a real trend on that site: women in monogamous, heterosexual relationships described wanting \”the soft touch of a woman.\” The typical desired scenario described by a forum poster (FP) was this:
FP\’s husband or boyfriend (BF) would stand aside as FP got herself a girlfriend (GF), all for herself. FP would split her time between \”regular life\” (her relationship with BF, her work, her children) and GF, who would have little to do with FP\’s regular life. Also, GF would be available, on-call 24/7. Though FP would split her time and attention between her \”regular life\” and GF, neither BF nor GF should have additional partners. They should also not have much interaction with each other; GF was just for FP\’s lez-be-friends times.
Bravo for knowing what you want, I guess, and points for not expecting the girlfriend to please you and your man both. But wow, selfish much? Your partners have to share you, but also be available at all times. Even ignoring all issues that make this one good example of How to Do Polyamory Wrong, this approach is still obnoxious because of the oft-cited justification for this selfish approach: \”I need and deserve both; it is my identity.\”
Thank you, ladies, for reinforcing the \”greedy\” stereotype. Sorry, but you do not get to say that your love does not see gender while simultaneously arguing that you \”need\” to date a man and a woman at the same time. This is treating bisexuality as a checklist. Man? Check. Woman? Check. This attitude dehumanizes the bisexual\’s potential partners; she just wants one with a penis and (different) one with breasts. Since the average woman I observed describing this fantasy was already involved with a man, this particularly dehumanizes the women that FP might date; the only important quality is that the \”woman\” box can be checked.
I saw some women on the site complaining that some lesbian forums called out that site as an example of what is obnoxious about bisexual women. Frankly, I sympathized. While the site itself is good, the entitlement routinely expressed on there does make bisexuality look like a checklist-approach to sex and love.
If your relationship dynamics allow for it, then sure, you can date a man and date a woman at the same time. I do not argue against that at all. However, date the individual people, and respect them as people. They are not check-boxes on your Sexuality ID Card.