One question that SwingBot and I never had as we started to explore the swinging lifestyle is \”Do we have to have sex with others when we do not want?\” Why would anyone voluntarily going into an adult hobby even think that s/he would be required to do a sex act that s/he does not want to do? However, I keep running into such questions on a sex forum from those who, like us, are just starting.
– \”If we go to a club, then do we have to have sex?\”
– \”Do we have to go all the way with another couple?\”
– \”What do we do if one of us is interested, but the other is uncomfortable?\”
I find that last one particularly surprising, because it even shows up on swinger forums and gets active discussion from people who are supposedly experienced. If someone does not want sex, then that person should not have sex. There is apparently a \”taking one for the team\” concept, in which one partner is disinterested, but participates because the other partner wants to proceed.
I thought that swinging was supposed to be fun, to explore physical pleasure with others. How fun is it to grit your teeth and partner with someone you find unappealing, or while you are not in the mood, or in a situation that makes you uneasy? In the single-to-single world of sex, we understand that \”No means No\” and that we can set our personal boundaries. Why would the higher number of people involved change that?
SwingBot and I currently have the following restrictions:
– We play only together, with exceptions considered on a case-by-case basis.
– We both hold approval/veto power over potential partners for both joint and separate play.
– If one says to stop, then both stop.
– We require protection for anal, oral, and vaginal sex. (Apparently most swingers do not use protection for oral, but do for the other two.)
– We can adjust our rules as unanticipated situations arise, but should not revoke rules in the heat of the moment.
Do these rules restrict us? Certainly. If we just went free-for-all, then at least one of us would have had more partners by now… but we would be left with many questions about our health, safety, relationship, and enjoyment. For example, if I only wanted FF action and was not picky about the situation and/or woman, then I could have had it already. However, I want to enjoy that first time. While nothing can fully guarantee that I shall, I can increase the chances by seeking an attractive partner and a desirable situation. Likewise, if we just wanted another couple and did not care about our specific preferences, then we would have had plenty of opportunities by now. Again, we want to enjoy the experience, not just have it to say that we had it.
So, while we might be confused about dress codes, communication signals, and how to connect with others, we have no questions about whether we have to do anything. We will follow our rules and the rules of others. If the rules or preferences of a potential partner or situation conflict with ours, then we will just find a better match. Our way takes time, but we are not going to be forced into something that we want to do for fun.