SwingBot is the M half of this duet, who occasionally contributes inane guest-posts to this blog.
One thing I\’ve already alluded to here was the questionability of some of the responses we got from our online postings.
One site, you have to make a profile before you do anything else. As soon we did, we started getting lots of in-site emails, chat requests, etc. Everybody wanted a piece of us! Unfortunately, in order to see emails, chat requests, etc, you have to pay. A lot. When we didn’t pay, we started getting pictures and videos of Hot Couples (whose teaser pictures, oddly, were always female headshots with excellent production value). When we still didn’t pay, everything dried up and there’s been nothing since. Of course, our profile is up there now, no doubt with a replaced picture suckering other people in to pay for contact.
Another site I tried was attached to a small alternative paper. Only got one response, but it came pretty quick. A couple of people, seemed nice. After I did some looking around, I think they’re probably out of our league (they sail, and cook, and tour the world; I play online games all night), but still. We exchanged emails a few times, but it’s been slow, and I think they’ve lost interest after we sent pictures. Oh well.
Site #3 has actually been pretty good. We’ve gotten a number of contacts, a couple of which have Gone Somewhere (but not THERE yet! Get your mind out of the gutter). It also gave us a lot of info about local clubs (another post, I’m sure) as well as a good slice of what we can apparently expect everywhere else.
Site #4 has a crap interface, but seems legit, even though we haven’t really made any contacts through it.
What we have found across the board, though, is that if you think being a couple looking for another couple to have sex with is a rare and complicated thing to arrange, you should trying being a bisexual couple looking for the same. We got the obvious lonely-penis club types: Guys who are totally interested in fucking her, but are straight themselves (not what we’re looking for, but thanks). There are also the straight couples who totally want to hetero-swing (not interested, but thanks) and the \”Bi\” couples where only the woman is bi, but as long as swords don’t cross they’re interested. (That’s not bi. Go away.)
There is a mythical beast on these boards, known as the unicorn. They are the available, attractive, bisexual females looking for a couple to play with. They are universally the most sought-after demographic, as they appeal to everybody except the gay side of men. We haven\’t met any of them. Apparently they’re quite picky about who they reveal themselves to.
The problem is that the ones we ARE looking for (aside from the unicorns) are just a smaller slice of the bigger pie. Once you rule out all the hetero-male couples and singles, you still have to find attractive ones. Now, I’m no Fabio, and I’m not looking for supermodel here, but as a general rule, if you’re going to send me a picture if yourself taking it in the ass, it would help if your fishnet weren’t turning your calf-fat into something that looks like a rising sheet of rolls at a bakery. That goes double for guys. I KNOW I\’m larger than generally desired, which is why I don\’t try to pull off fishnets or thongs. Leather straps I can do, but anything that goes around the waste is likely to draw attention to where attention shouldn\’t be drawn.
So you find your bisexual guy, or bisexual couple, and they\’re not double-baggers. Good to go, right? Well, no, because you also have to take mental stimulation into account. I\’m not talking \”are they funny\” yet; I’m just at \”coherent.\” Let me give you two paraphrased examples of the kinds of IMs that I don\’t respond to:
\”Want 2 fuck U 2 2nite. TXT me @ 555-5555\”
Where to start with this one? First, txt speak. I don\’t speak txt, and neither should you. Not if you want to fuck me and my wife anyway. Second, giving me an email or phone on a blind contact? Is that your idea of discretion? I don\’t think I want to trust my identify, my house, or my ass to you.
\”Close, bi, ready to play.\”
Hello. Nice to meet you too. We enjoy walks on the beach and Yanni albums. Also, your profile says you\’re straight [Closet-bi is a Thing, too. Guys who say straight in their profile because they don\’t want to get hit on by fags, but who become suddenly bi when there\’s a shot at fucking a woman involved – Ed]. I\’ll give you \”close\”, assuming your zip code is right, but if that\’s all the information you\’re going to give, all the effort you’re going to put into the contact, we probably don\’t need to bother.
If, after all that sorting, you find a guy, gal, or couple you\’re interested in, NOW you have to talk to them. Not only do you have to try to get to know them, exchange pics, and meet in person to make sure they\’re who they say they are, but you also have to discuss things.
Making friends with smalltalk that revolves explicitly around which dick can go where, who can suck what, what kind of condoms should be use in which situation, and how soon we can get to the bondage is not something that society really prepares you for, either. And there\’s no pussyfooting around, either. Everyone is there for sex, so you have to get right to it, and you have to spell it out in no uncertain terms. Five or six times, we had to ask for definitions of acronyms, and it\’s a damned good thing we did, because our assumptions about what they were wanting to do to us were WAY wrong. So after you have that, and you somehow still think the person is sane, then you have to meet them in person. In public.
Assuming you survive that (see my prior blog post about how Not To Do It), you still need to actually meet up for the doing of it. We haven\’t got that far yet, but I\’ll let you know how it goes, just as soon as my busy busy schedule permits. The cat ain\’t gonna floss his own toes after all.