Talking about sex can be surprisingly difficult sometimes, particularly when stating what one wants. This issue came up on this Wednesday’s play date.
On Tuesday, BG had made a suggestion that appealed to me and seemed to fit well with what SwingBot also wanted: SwingBot bound to the bed and ravished by BG. I mentioned it to SwingBot when we went to bed that night, or maybe sometime Wednesday. During the day, I set up the bed, adding the Sportsheets cuffs on a pillow, so they could be easily noticed. However, SwingBot felt ill when it was time to bind him; the poor thing apparently ate a lunch that did not settle well with him.
Rather than start with play, we went out for dinner. SwingBot ate a little, but continued to feel unwell. When we got home, things got confusing for me. He kept stating that he was unwell, but also kept suggesting that we head to the bedroom. I did not know what role he planned to play, if any. We sat around in the bedroom and he and BG joked about how pegging is teaching me to appreciate how difficult it is to be a man during sex. Being mocked — on top of not getting a straight answer about what SwingBot wanted — made me blow up. I stormed out of the room and decided to work on something not sex related on my computer.
I acknowledge that it was not a gracious response.
The men worked together to get me back to the bedroom; it did not take long. However, once there, I still had the same problem: Just what did SwingBot have planned? He went to clean up, leaving BG and me alone. But for what was SwingBot preparing? All I had been told all evening were two unhelpful messages: “I’m nauseous” and “Let’s play.”
Not understanding fully what SwingBot’s level of comfort or wants are, BG and I sometimes do things that leave SwingBot feeling excluded. I get lost in the moments, do not check in with him enough, and he does not speak up, and then the evening ends with him feeling badly. He tells me after the fact — for which I am grateful — but not at the moment or beforehand, when we could do something about it. I felt that we were heading for yet another of those times, and I could not take it… particularly not after spending the evening trying to get a straight answer.
When SwingBot became available, he and I went downstairs to discuss the issue. I learned that he envisioned some Double Penetration and, maybe later, BG fucking him. I explained that I had no idea that he wanted this and, while we do not need the carefully detailed agendas that I used to prepare for play dates, I do need to at least understand what are physical possibilities. “I’m nauseous” does not qualify as a good possibility for sex.
I know some of my shortcomings, and not being very in tune with the needs of others is definitely among them. As a result, I try to check in with him often, but I also need SwingBot to overcome the challenging discomfort of stating what he wants and hopes to have sexually.
If anyone has suggestions on how to better read people or be sensitive to what others want in those situations — or just how to handle the uncertainty better — then please do share.