SwingBot: Two’s Company

SwingBot is the M half of this duet, who occasionally contributes inane guest-posts to this blog.

First off, this is just a shameless pitch for my SO’s new blog, which she created on this very same topic, in case you want to hear about this stuff from the other end of the leash. Also, she came up with a better name than I did.


However, to level the playing field, I feel I should cough up some past history details about myself, if only to clarify a couple things from Week Bi Week.

First off, SO referred to my sexual history before we met as “extremely limited”. That was kind of her, wasn’t it? Let me elaborate by listing my notable sexual partners, in order of appearance, before she came into my life.

1) My pillow. It was just the right firmness.

2) My hand. For when my pillow wasn’t available.

3) My other hand, because learning to type one handed was hard enough, doing it with my off hand was impossible.

4) A stuffed animal. For when I started getting wanker’s-claw, and couldn’t find a pillow of the right firmness.

5) A Fleshlight. Frankly, hands were easier.

6) Certain vegetables and fruit. A banana can be used TWO ways!

7) Dildos and insertables. Hooray for internet shopping!

8) Anonymous woman who raped me while I was zoned out on flu medicine. Apparently my roommate brought her back for sex, and sometime in the night she decided she could suck me off without waking me. She failed.

So, you see, by that point I had already pretty much assumed I was gay (or at least Bi, though thus far women hadn’t done much for me, including the short-term fiancee who was saving herself for marriage until I caught her fucking around. Literally). So when I went to meet future-SO, I thought it was as a gay friend. Turns out she bonked my brains out, and I decided (relatively quickly) that if this was going to fail, it was going to fail NOW. I pulled out the toys I had brought with me (toys of a size I would be hard pressed to accommodate today) and gave it my all.

She didn’t run away, so I knew she was a keeper!

She really tells the story better over on her blog, so go read it there. I just didn’t want people to think I’m some sort of suave internet pervert corrupting her with my hedonistic wiles. Rather, I’m just a dorky internet pervert with a credit card and a love of cock.

As for my alleged porn collection, I would like to state for the record it’s almost entirely bi or group stuff, and anyway it’s only for when I’m too lazy to come up with something to wank to myself. Ever since we started down this swinging path, I haven’t watched any (in earnest). Hell, if anything I need something to stop from walking around with a perma-boner.